Monday, May 5, 2008

Fellowship of the ring

I’m not even going to say, ‘long time, no see/read’ and drop the usual explanations of why I haven’t been blogging, why I’m back blogging and why I won’t abandon you again. All that’s hogwash that I’m tired of saying/typing and almost certain you’re tired of hearing/reading. I am here, in this space, blogging, for one simple reason, and no, it’s not because I want to, it’s because I HAD to! A regular rant to anyone I can find wouldn’t be bad but I have to bash buttons to really air this one out. So ladies and gentlemen, those that care anyway, Él Señor Supremo, Sir Blog Marley a.k.a. The McRanter… IS BACK BEE-HOTCHES!!! (For now anyway)

So what am I ranting about this time? Well, it’s my favorite topic: The Movies! Since the high octane ride of summer blockbusters last year (Transformers, Live Free or Die Hard, The Simpsons, The Bourne Ultimatum), which had me watching most movies at least twice, my cinema attendance has been rather poor. However, I’ve seen Meet The Spartans, Vantage Point, Street Kings and The Bank Job in the past two months, so I say I’m doing okay (blame it on work, the English Premier League, UEFA Champions League, the NBA & TV Series). Meet The Spartans can only be good if you’re in an ultra silly mood which, thankfully, I was. Vantage Point was really good but there was a major mess up which I won’t go into incase some readers haven’t watched it yet and still intend to. Street Kings was a good watch. Not the greatest movie but it was worth the price of admission. In fact, it was a good movie that I liked jare. The best LA cop movie in a minute. Which brings me to The Bank Job. It started off slow but picked up later and turned out being really good. It’s no Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels or Snatch but it is one of the better British gangster flicks. The best Jason Statham has been in in a while, definitely. However, like most of my previous movie blogs, this ain’t no movie review. It’s about the experience in the movie. Here we goes:

It was an eventful movie from jump street. First of all, I just wanted to laze at home but the woman (yeah, I’ve been acquired) insisted (she’ll tell you otherwise) that we go see a movie. The ones that fell within our time frame were Fool’s Gold, 21 and The Bank Job. I wouldn’t have minded seeing any of the 3 but opted for my good ole Brit Gangland film. So the movie starts, and I take it back, not slow at all because the jump off was a jump off! A nice ménage a trios that was photographed before it slowed down. There. Anyway, a ringtone starts playing and it’s a chick in front of me, who first brings her phone out her pocket, so of course, now it’s louder, and she looks at the caller ID and actually answers! Not whispering oh; a full on, “Hello!” but alas, twas a flasher! Holy crap!

I kept getting phone calls but like a good cine-goer, my phones were on vibrate (the best cine-goers switch off entirely) and I responded with text messages, so I’m okay, right? Anyway, next culprit was a dude about 3 rows up, “Hello? How far? I dey jare! I dey this place, um, Silverbird. Ehn…” Can you imagine? I turn round with my most menacing stare (well, I think it’s menacing) but of course that don’t change nothing. Twat!

Then, my pants start to vibrate. First it’s my cousin’s husband. He never really calls me so something must be up. Then it’s her brother, who had just come in from France. Her driver was to get him at the airport, so I put two and two together and got a catastrophe. So I had to step out to return the calls and the worst was confirmed. My guy was stranded at the airport as his sister’s driver had messed up big time. She had said he was getting fired, no question. So I figured I had to go get him. So without consulting him, I snatched up the woman and proceeded to play hero. I called him while in the stairwell, only to be told not to bother as I was too far out. Then began the arduous (fine, I exaggerate) journey back into the cinema, which we nearly got bounced out of.

So resume watching the movie, which has picked up but LORD knows what we’d missed. All seems well until another phone starts ringing. It’s loud. Unending. What the… Heads start turning, wondering where the irritation is coming from. I catch the bright light of the phone on the floor and I’m like hell no! Some dude is charging his phone in the aisle and can’t be bothered to pick it up. Can you imagine that sh!t? I was so tempted to get up and chuck it but opted for my menacing stare. It worked this time though as his female companion immediately urged him to go shut his phone up. Personally, I thought that had to be some of the most local, disrespectful, unenlightened, ghetto sh!t I’ve ever seen. I mean, when you’ve got to charge your phone, you’ve got to char your phone but come on! You’re at the movies. Shut that sh!t off! He was in an aisle seat so he could monitor the damn thing. Even if he forgot to turn the ringer off, what? You’re just going to sit there and ignore it and piss the rest of us off? Phruckk no!

This is why my cousin, who was stranded at the airport, doesn’t come to the movies with us!

I’m out like Houston from the playoffs!

Friday, January 25, 2008

what do you think you're doing?

That's the title because I have no clue what I'm doing here; in Blogsville I mean.

I got a comment on an old blog yesterday and then my darling friend Steffi Graff called me today and inquired about it. So I looked the old thing up (honestly, I didn't know which one I was looking up as there are so many) and felt like WOW!!! While I do write rather well, I do write a whole loada crap... BUT I LOVE IT!!!

So, what am I doing here? Good question. I haven't the foggiest! Well, that's not complete truth. I'm here because I feel like blogging but I don't have a darned thing to talk about. Okay, another slight untruth. I do have stuff to talk about but I just don't know what. So, you know what, I'm gonna act like Spalding right now, just before I morph into Patrick Swayze!!!

Actually, that was rather inspiring. Where the hell is Patrick Swayze? What happens to actors yo? If you start young, then your "sell by" date comes and you slip up. When I think of all the older actors acting today, it's like they've been old forever! Or maybe Hollywood is just tired of having movies with over-aged folk trying to act young (who hears Harrison Ford & Sly Stallone chuckling), no?

I don't know what it is but it's hard to find anyone (or thing for that matter) that is truly GREAT!!! I mean, we've always had stars but there was always that class of Bad Ass MuthaWatchYoMouths that just stood out. Case in point, Planet Hollywood's big 3 (Governator, Geriatric Marine & I No Go Die)! Who we got? Nobody really stands out! Big Willy seems to be turning into Mr Blockbuster but I don't know yo.

Okay. The smell of chicken is becoming overwhelming at the office. Need to dig into some right about now. So finish this discussion amongst yo friends by the water cooler or wherever! I'm lazy and hungry so I'm out!